Okay, so if anyone read my last journal (if not here;
Possible Hiatus. Personal Crap.Fucking - You know how I said 2015 has been a really up and down year? Well now it's taking down again.
I'm sorry I don't know how long this will be for or even if I will go but I'll more than likely just be quiet for a while because something I kind of expected and had been worrying about has just happened and I am sitting crying my eyes right now because of it but I can't even bring myself to blame the person who caused it because like I said I kind of expected this to happen but it doesn't help the way I feel right now
I'm sorry guys I don't want to post about it right now but if I can I'll tell you about it when I've calmed down I just want to try and speak to some of my flatmates right now because I really just want a hug.
If you want to know what's happened then note me, and that goes for friends and people I talk to regularly. Including rp friends. Don't be offended if you note me and I don't reply. This is really personal and I don't want it opening up on my w
)
I'm finally explaining what happpened...
I have a picture started but I don't know if I'll post it or even finish it now but I'm opening up as to what happened. As well as explaining something else, as something I did
not expect has happened just to top this week off. I'm ready to curl up and sleep it off, to be honest... Just wake me up when this week is over. Or when it's time for November MCM in Birmingham.
I've been out all evening at anime society and then kind of got pressured/encouraged into going to the pub but in a kind of good way by my friends there and I'm so glad I did. I went from crying my eyes out yet again over the kitchen table with one of my flatmates to actually being able to relax and laugh...
Sunday: (The reason for the previous journal)
For what I had expected: My boyfriend broke up with me. I had had my doubts we would be able to last with the distance between us, including what he had said before and with other factors as much as I didn't want to admit it... he sent me a message on facebook and it was over, pretty much... (Please, nothing rude against him. Despite what happened and how it may sound - we never really spoke over the phone and his message wasn't short, nor rude, nor without explanation. He did it kindly and seemed genuinely guilty for ending the relationship.. but before anyone starts making comments, in all honesty, if he comes back I do not know if I would be able to get back together with him for fear of the distance and other factors becoming too much of an issue. I don't want people to mouth him. He had a legitimate reason, really, but I won't go into details here. And I understand why it happened.)
So... yeah. We're not together anymore. But I'm starting to come to terms with it more but I keep finding myself getting down because I still can't stop thinking about him - he really was my first love; I'd never met anyone that ever made me feel that way before and it still hurts that we're not together but I know with time and the
amazing support I've had from you guys, my flat mates, my university/society friends and family I know I'll get better and be able to move on. We still mentioned being friends but after hearing it so suddenly I just couldn't speak to him because I was just crying but we've not spoken since. So I need to see how that goes.
But I know it'll get better, and I've got so many people telling me they're here for me and I can talk when I need... And I just want to say thank you.
Really, I know it may seem like a somewhat simple thing to some and I may have thought the same at first but he was my first boyfriend, and we were together seven months so I still feel a little empty right now.
And I know people have said I'll meet someone else- but I don't really care about that right now. I didn't care about the 'novelty' of having a boyfriend. I was happy to have someone that made me feel so special - I just need to wait for the next person to come along but I'm not dependant on it like some people are... I'm okay on my own. Especially for now.
And now for what happened today, Wednesday, only three days after the breakup...
I had a phone call from my dad. Later than we originally agreed and I could tell immediately something was wrong just by his voice.
I'm sure I've mentioned here about my grandma, who was having trouble with her memory and having to move into the care home after being in hospital at the same time as my aunt who passed away earlier this year...
She's gone too. She passed away this morning. The paramedics were called out when the carers came in and she had really low breathing but whenever they tried to move her out of her bed to try and get her in the ambulance her heart rate just plummeted, and they decided with the risk of her passing during the ride to the hospital was too great so got in contact with our family and ask what they thought best to do so with my uncle there she passed in bed, no doubt with the carers there who were always so lovely and sweet and genuinely seemed to love my gran...
I'm thankful in a way she's gone when she has... I hate that I'm not at home right now to be closer to her and the rest of my family but while I spoke to my dad on the phone and was crying I had one of my flat-mates holding me who then went to get me a drink and a tissue since I was shaking. My grandma and my aunt who have passed were such a big part of my life; and now to think they've both gone... I can't believe it. It doesn't seem real, but I could only really come to terms with my aunt's passing after the funeral. I don't doubt it'll be different with my grandma.
But my gran had just been going downhill, especially after loosing my aunt who was her sister. I'm thankful as well the last memory I have with her was when I came back to Birmingham for the weekend, and she seemed so happy to see me and hear I was doing well/settling/enjoying university... and not that I had to watch her get worse and eventually even forget me and her family - that was one of my biggest fears. Going to see her one day and having her not recognise me. I don't think I could cope with that.
But I know she's safe now, and happy no doubt because she's back with her sister and brother-in-law who passed a couple of years ago. She won't have to worry about anything now and neither will I, because she's not in pain - no more suffering; no more panicking about where she is even though she's been there for months; no more bad things... just peace for her. But it seems so odd to think now... after seeing her every week for most of my life she's not there anymore.
And I know in time I'll be okay too. Thankfully I'm not crying as I would have been a few hours trying to write this. And it's because of the amazing friends I have, both online and off.
I seriously cannot say
THANK YOU</b></u> enough to everyone that's sent any kind of support, wished me well, asked if I was even just okay or been there to chat to me... All I want to do right now is keep myself occupied and make sure I don't fall behind with work. Keep my mind off what happened and keep myself in a good mood.
But
SilverRevlis, I am so sorry but this means your birthday present is going to take longer to finish... it's so nearly done so if you want I will upload a WIP but I don't feel much in the mood to draw or anything else so I am really sorry about that. But I just need some time for myself to get my head together... I'm so sorry, but I'll get it done as soon as I physically can, I promise
All I can say though is I am beyond ready for this week and 2015 to be over. So much shit has happened and it just feels like it's been a really crap year, let alone so much bloody stuff happening this week alone. I couldn't make it up. I told one of my other flat-mates when she walked into the kitchen and saw me with another and when hearing what had happened (She was one of the first to hear about me and my now ex) even she just kind of went "Oh shit," Which is kind of how it feels. Sums it up rather well.
But I just want to thank you again, I know I've said it a lot but really - I mean it. I couldn't do this without you guys and I appreciate everything you've all done for me. I seriously think I would break down without everyone I have by my side, your support has been overwhelming.
So... I don't know when you'll next hear from me but I'll be hanging around if you want to drop me a message, I'll reply when I can.
I think that's everything for now.
I'm off to bed soon to get some much needed sleep. Hopefully the night out has tired me out enough to let me sleep through.
Thank you again guys, Angel off for the night x
TL;DR: Boyfriend broke up with me Sunday, expected, still upset, Grandma died Wednesday, didn't expect, very upset.
